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Showing posts from April, 2011

We Still Sing (Makiah's Song)

Today is Easter. The Lord's tomb is empty and so is our Makiah's room. While most people are watching their little ones hunt Easter eggs or having a Sunday afternoon snooze, I am frantically cleaning house- trying desperately to divert myself. I have taken a bazillion pictures of the twins. We went back to church today, and I poured my energy into holding back the flood of tears as I looked at her empty chair and watched her friends without her. I made my lips mouth the words of the songs when I could manage it. A friend of ours wrote a song for us when Makiah died. It has been almost the only worship song I could stand to hear since the accident. I have wept and yelled and groaned and sobbed and screamed and finally sung this song during the last 6 months. I have treasured the images it evokes. I think today it is time to share it. We were and are devastated, but somehow, we must still sing... worship is the only thing we can still do together as a family.   Than

Enough

    On Earth                                               In Heaven May 11, 2006                                         Oct. 8. 2010 That's what my baby's headstone says.  It has finally arrived.  It's here in time for her birthday.  Not a gift I ever dreamed of giving her- especially not for her 5th birthday.  She is supposed to order my headstone one day.   Rather than the pool party she wanted, her sisters and I will be visiting her grave.  Maybe we will buy her some sod instead of presents.  Things are all turned on their head it seems.  I find myself bargaining with God.  Telling Him I will do anything if He would just undo this somehow... turn back the clock and let me make some different choices.  Give her back to me.  I know.   It is absurd.  As soon as the words leave  my mouth, I know they are ridiculous.  Heaven.  We wrote that she is in heaven.  I read a beautiful children's book today that illustrates what scripture tells us about heaven.  I want so

Nevertheless

She sat cuddled up in my lap as we prayed.  Her tiny hands pressed mine over her eyes, and she said after me, " Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, so I can see you!"  Off popped our hands, and giggles followed.  Then together mommy and Makiah's hands covered her ears and pressed on soft, blonde curls, and we prayed, "and open the ears of my heart so I can hear you speak to me!"  Tada!  The hands flew off her ears together.  "Mommy, I can't wait to see Jesus with my real eyes!"  she would sometimes exclaim. I sit in the blackness by a tiny, yellow light.  The babies are fed and clean and swaddled tightly again.  Their breathing is even.  I sip my steamy mocha, and the words leap off the page at me.  "Then  the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to make war against the rest of her offspring- those who obey God's commandments and hold to the testimony of Jesus."  Revelation 12:17 A few days ago a small, hard back book fell of

If Only

If only I could sleep. The cool sheets press against me.  The dark shadows dance on the ceiling.  Soft breathing comes from the bassinets near my bed.  In the dim light Makiah smiles at me from the painting on my wall.   The hands on the clock creep by as minutes become hours.   My mind takes a turn down a slippery, treacherous path.  It wants to tread there.  No!  It hates to go there, but the pull of memories is like quicksand.  In the still of night, I am too tired to fight.  I am sinking.  the accident- the scream- the crunch of metal- shattered glass- spinning- the blood- pulling me out-  her body hanging in the car seat-  people stopping- they won't touch her- horror- disbelief- my baby!- more screaming... Pounding heart.  Oh God!  Oh God!  I moan.  If only I could forget.  If only we had taken the bigger car like we discussed.   If only I had buckled her in on my side like I usually did.  If only we had left early in the morning like I woke up contemplating.  If only w